Hephaistion's burden
by veronique2
Summary: sequel to Listen to me Hephaistion : Hephaistion listened to Olympias 's request , he started to remember a part of his life.


Title: Hephaistion's burden

Authors : veronique  
Email address: kyomine2002y...  
Category: General/romance Alexander /Hephaistion 's slash.

Date: 20/01/2005  
Feedback: please, but if you don't like it, be constructive , I don't want to  
read sarcasm or snarks.  
Archive: if you want I'm ok  
Rating: nc-13  
Disclaimer: I don't own them. They're characters belonging to Warner Brothers  
Pictures, to Oliver Stone, to my imagination, and to the ages. This is a work of  
a fan, done for no remuneration save the satisfaction of the work.  
Beta: Special thanks to my beta Dreamer46.  
Summary: sequel to Listen to me Hephaistion : Hephaistion listened to Olympias 's request , he started to remember a part of his life.

Warnings: I based my characters on my interpretation of the movie.  
It's a fanfiction based on the movie and the movie only.  
Particular warning for this fic: This fic is, like I said, based on  
the movie. I see Hephastion as a strong character who possessed both good and  
bad qualities.  
My portrayal of him is not black and white, but gray. This is what I  
took from Oliver Stones's suggestions and his little glimpses. The story can  
appear shocking to some people, I guess. Remember it's a fiction and a  
fiction only. I can tell you later if you request it why I imaginated this fic  
from Oliver Stone's movie.

**Hephaistion's burden. 1/1 **

I heard Olympias 's prayer . I understood perfectly her worries about her son because I had the same. I was worried; how couldn't I be? The Gods allowed me to witness Alexander's despair and downfall..

"I heard you, Olympias, I am not weak or a liar , trust me for that. I didn't lie. Alexander's happiness is mine too. I won't lie to you either about how happy it makes me, in a certain way, seeing how much Alexander is in pain because of my death. I know it's horrible to say that, but I do enjoy him suffering from my loss, showing me in fact how much he loves me, how deep is his love..

Alexander is a passionate person, always has been; it's his way to honour me and our love. The question I ask myself now, is .. is it only a way to honour me, to bury me, or is it a way to destroy himself because he can't survive my death? I just died; time will give me the answer.

I am with him Olympias, near him, but his pain doesn't allow him to feel me and recover in order to continue his life; he does not know, that even dead, I am at his side. He is deaf to my requests. It's not me who doesn't allow him to move on. Oh don't misunderstand - I miss him, you have no idea how much I miss him, how I want him to be here with me, taking his promise to join me - but it's his decision.

My heart has broken since I heard your request, Olympias, three months already passed from the earth. It doesn't appear as much more than one hour for me. Time is different here. Three months and my Alexander is still in despair. I don't recognise him either. Is this my king? My beloved?

I failed, Olympias, what have I done? I have that same guilty feeling I had after the India campaign. Alexander was no longer loved , he had so many enemies. I was supposed to be the only one who was hated . Alexander wanted to be a friend to all men. He wasn't anymore.

It was my fault. I was supposed to protect him. He was the passion, I was the reason. The perfect match, since we shared the same goals , the same love.

But there was that tiny difference between us. Like I said, he wanted to be the friend of all men, he wanted to conquer the world to make it better, but I have always been only Alexander's friend, and wasn't interested in being a friend of other men. I wanted to conquer the world because of what it could bring to me, to him; because all that Alexander wanted, I wanted him to have .

Since the start I was hated, but all I can say - and I m not proud of it - is I never tried to be loved by anyone but Alexander. I made the same mistake as you. They hated me, and my love blinded me. I eventually lost my wisdom in the process. How could I explain to you?.

Alexander was the sun, I was the moon. Alexander was bright, I was living in the dark and with the passing time, the dark blinded me too much.

I was convinced that nothing could stop us, that Alexander was immortal, son of Zeus. All our success blinded me . Even after he married Roxanne and met Bagoas, I was still the king of his heart and that was all that mattered to me, to be loved by him and to love him. I allowed love and ambition to blind me.

I should have stopped Alexander from killing Cleitos. I know I tried - but did I try honestly? At the time I was sure there I did all my best, that Alexander was out of control. Yes he was. But the fact is, I was too. I could have stopped him, I know now but I did almost nothing. I hated Cleitos for what he dared to say to your son. I didn't hear the truths in Cleitos' speech. Everybody else saw Alexander had changed, but I didn't - because I changed too. Alexander became darker and so did I .

I recalled perfectly the words I said to him, when he broke down , I told him to shut his heart down. Can you believe it Olympias, that he didn't have to have weakness, pity, compassion or guilt. I asked him to shut down what make him loved by others. He said to me he failed, and I didn't understand. Alexander couldn't fail, he was a god, my god. I was the one who was deaf.

Alexander always trusted my advice and we pursued the India campaign. The hardest lesson, the Gods teach me. Alexander was mortal, wasn't invincible and his dreams , our dreams were an illusion, shattered by our own hearts, when we wanted more and more , and didn't know when it was time to stop.

Alexander could have died. The thought of Alexander's mortality and his limitations hit me hard. I could have lost him. But that was nothing compared to the hurt I saw and felt in his eyes and his heart. His dream shattered, knowing his warriors were right. The deception as he said. He decided to go back. It hurt me so much, I felt like a failure because, now, our madness was so obvious. I failed in my role . A younger Hephaistion would have told him to stop. Isn't it ironic? People say with time comes wisdom, but it seems different for me.

Alexander told me how he had been scared for me. How much he loved me. We shared the same deception about our own limits. I told him how much I felt guilty, how much I was wrong, how much I was a failure . He didn't allow me to say much more. That was the first time I broke down . He never wanted to accept our failure like I didn't allow him to accept the failure he felt after he killed Cleitos. We learned our lesson the hard way. Did we learn? I think the answer is no. Because we learned only about our own loss. Again we learned, only because WE were touched by fate.

The Gods seem to favour us again and finally Alexander is allowed to have an heir. Roxanne regained her pride and started to felt stronger because of her new position. Alexander was still loved by faithful friends - but also more hated by others. I was still hated, more than ever.

You said once, Olympias, that I was the only one between you and your's son destiny. I' m sure they felt the same. Roxanne, Cassander, Crateros etc.. and because of what happened in India - I couldn't forgave myself , I was weaker than ever, even if I still had all my powers. Still, I didn't recover from what was for me, an unforgivable mistake. I was drinking more and more. I finally got what I deserved . Death.

But now, seeing Alexander's pain reminds me of my failure again. He was unable to live without me. He couldn't get over me. I thought it was my fault again, because I never allowed him to really have strong feelings for people other than myself. I ruled his heart and he ruled mine. Together, we were strong, we were success, we depended on each other so much, too much.

Here, dead , I could do nothing to help free him from my curse, my love - not that he wanted to be free either .

There was no Alexander without Hephaistion and no Hephaistion without Alexander. The Gods allow me to take him back if I want.

Alexander wasn't happy, he wanted to join me, he prayed me to allow him to join me. He didn't want another chance.

Our love was pure and eternal . Love was what allowed us our peace and happiness in death. I took Alexander away from you, Olympias, because it was what he wanted, what made him happy. I will always have a burden in my heart and I know Alexander will, too. But our love was flawless , strong, and always will remain that way. Our love is what we are proud of, our greatest success, our glory. We tend to judge ourselves harder than we deserved.

Our failure consists on many successes one of them was Love..


End file.
